I was chatting with some ladies recently about the suffering of Christ when one of them drew our attention to his Mother.
“Jesus knew his suffering would end,” she pointed out, “but Mary didn’t. She didn’t know he would rise from the dead. For her, this was the end.”
Now I don’t know of any definitive statement on this matter, but I can’t help but disagree wholeheartedly. There may have been quite a lot that Mary didn’t know,1 but I don’t think the promised resurrection was one of those things. Jesus hadn’t exactly been secretive about it, after all. Again and again he tells his followers that he will die and rise on the third day.2 And while they somehow managed not to understand what seems so clear to our post-resurrection eyes, Mary wasn’t blind the way they were. She knew just who Jesus was. She knew he could do what he said. So I simply can’t believe that Mary stood beneath the foot of the Cross not knowing his death wasn’t final.
And yet she wept.
Mary knew what was coming. She knew he would rise. She knew death would be defeated and the gates of heaven thrown open. And still she wept.
We call her Our Lady of Sorrows, this woman who was profoundly aware of the coming victory. We paint her swooning in agony with tears running down her face and a heart pierced by seven swords, all the while knowing that her son would be back in her arms a scant 40 hours later.
Despite the promise of joy, Mary was miserable. She knew—better than any of us ever will—that God would work all things for good. And still she mourned, her heart shattered. Because hope doesn’t banish suffering. It just makes it bearable.
Joy is the duty of the Christian, we hear, most especially from dear St. Paul who commands it as though it were as simple as sharing or paying your taxes.3 So we grit our teeth and smile through our anguish, determined that we will be happy regardless of our pain. Then we’re shocked when it all just makes us bitter.
Joy, you see, is not the same as happiness. Joy is much more akin to hope than to happiness. Joy means trusting that God is for you, that he loves you, that he will—one day—come to your rescue. It doesn’t mean calling evil good. It doesn’t mean stuffing down your pain and covering it over with a veneer of pleasantries. Often it means swooning in agony with tears running down your face.
It’s okay to be miserable. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust God. It means that pain hurts and evil should be lamented. When your sweet baby dies or your wife leaves you or the bank forecloses or you get laid off or a thousand other things, it is right and just that you weep. You may well know that it will all come out right one fine morning. But still it hurts. And that’s okay.
It is not Christian to deny people the right to suffer. The model Christian, who knew with absolute certainty that all would be made new, was sore distressed to see her son so wounded. I can imagine Christians of a certain sort standing by her cheerfully: “Oh, don’t worry, Mary. Everything happens for a reason, you know. I guess God just needed another angel.”
It’s banal at best and heresy at worst. Because the joy of Easter Sunday doesn’t deny the pain of Good Friday, it just completes it. To say that those who hope in the Resurrection shouldn’t mourn is to say that evil isn’t to be lamented. It’s just not true.
Should we allow our pain to drown out our hope in God’s promises? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean denying our sorrow or stuffing our pain down, plastering a Pollyanna smile over our anguish. It means standing with Mary at the foot of the Cross weeping over Friday while trusting in Sunday. It means that in our pain we look on Christ crucified and remember the promise of the empty tomb. It means that we follow “My soul is troubled” with “Father, glorify your name.”4
If you are suffering now, be gentle to yourself. Allow yourself to suffer. Remember that this is not the end, that God will triumph, that the battle has already been won. Remember that in eternity all our suffering will clearly have been to good purpose. Remember that God is working for you even when you can’t see him. But remember also that Jesus wept and Mary wept and go ahead and cry—you’re in good company.
- For all “Mary, Did You Know?” gets flack in Catholic circles, I think there are quite a few of those things that pregnant Mary didn’t know. [↩]
- Mt 16:21, 17:22-23, 20:17-19 and parallels [↩]
- Phil 2:18, 3:1, 4:4; Rom 12:12; 2 Cor 13:11; 1 Thes 5:16; etc [↩]
- Jn 12:27-28 [↩]
Jesus Wept.
Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead but he still wept. Interesting.
I am so happy to read that somebody else hates the ‘ everything happens for a reason ‘ school of pathetic comforting. It is horrible to hear those words when your whole life has come crashing down around you and you’ve lost everything.
I just wish people would hug you and tell you that they will be around if you need them and mean it and leave the useless and hurtful platitudes alone.
These people possibly don’t know the true meaning of compassion. If they did, their responses to devastation, grief, anger, sadness, and so on wouldn’t be so vacuous. Or they simply aren’t willing to give time. Well everyone needs that, even those people who tell us “It’ll be ok! when everything has just caved in on itself.
Hi,
Thanks for your lovely comment.
I have always wondered what goes on in the mind of someone who would actually utter those words to a person who is barely hanging on, do they seriously think saying there is a ‘reason’ why all my children died in a fire, or I just got a serious diagnosis or any of the million other tragedies that befall us as humans, that somehow we are going to feel better or ‘snap’ out of our hurting and misery by saying ‘ oh great, there is a reason why all my kids are dead, fabulous !! Now I can be happy again, whoopie ‘ !!
I know that is sarcastic, but I think you know what I am trying to say.
Meg, thank you for this reflection!!!! It is so true that joy is not happiness, but is a much deeper, fuller experience of true hope, trust, and peace in God, even when life is agonizing! I think a lot of people that I have met fall into the “extreme camps;” either they push down all the pain and suffering and plaster a smile to everyone everywhere, or they let complete despairing grief reign over themselves and come into every single conversation. But neither of these attitudes are the trusting joy in suffering that God calls us to!
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“Joy, you see, is not the same as happiness. Joy is much more akin to hope than to happiness”
Can you just call Meriam-Webster and all the other dictionary companies and change the definition of Joy please. Here we were, ordinary public school educated people, thinking Joy was happiness.
Of course, how silly of the writer to contradict people who have had an education in the outstanding American public school system.
Please refrain from leaving pointless, rude comments on an article that seeks to provide comfort and kindness to people who are suffering.
Most of the important things that I learned were from a public school and one that was in a very rough part of Brooklyn, so definitely not one of those high ranking achieving schools – but it is where I learned to write neatly, spell fairly well, see my first gay person who was a teacher at the age of 7 or 8, etc.
I got nothing out of Catholic school except being called a ‘freak’ by a clergy member – totally sink or swim environment, no extra help. Most of what I know today at nearly 55 is from the public school system and my own never ending quest of learning and knowledge.
God has given you a talent for writing and a wisdom beyond your years 🙂
As you said, when one discovers joy, it is more akin to peace/hope. Happiness is fleeting.
Wow ! Words Of Wisdom
Thank you for insight. I love your writing style. Gods peace to you always
Beautiful! As a mother whose son passed away I often get the response that everything happens for a reason and although I do believe that God will work all things to the good of those who love him it doesn’t sting any less. It actually make me feel horrible that I am so distraught and made me question my faith in God. When my journey towards healing began I took great comfort in Our Lady of Sorrows and continue to do so. Your post put a beautiful perspective on the heartache this world brings but to have hope in the glory of the Resurrection.
I too became so angry with God when my mother passed away i yelled in the street that’s it! She worked so hard all her life and that’s it she’s gone and I heard nothing back I remember being so mad but not crazy I couldn’t even weep now I see her in front of me all the time and I weep oh do I weep” I miss her and I know she is in heaven and watches over me and my children God has to forgive me for what I said I still don’t know what came over me .
This was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Never doubt that “the Lord hears the cry of the poor”. Thank you so much for writing this.
I have learned SO MUCH thru the recitation of the daily Rosary. There are many instances in which Our Lady suffered a great deal; without fully comprehending the will of God at the moment. Instances such as the Presentation of the Child Jesus at the Temple, The Finding of the Child Jesus at the Temple, and the Flight Into Egypt. (I’ve often wondered why God the Father would have allowed the Holy Innocents to be slaughtered for the sake of His Only Begotten Son. Was there no other way? In terms of salvation history….I guess not.) My point being is that we may never know (in this life) why Our Good Lord permitted such a personal tragedy in our lives. (I too have lost a very close family member); but at the same time I also understand that some people want to truly help us in our moment of trial/despair and just don’t know (or know what to say). I have tried to understand that their intent really is to try and offer some hope and encouragement for me (even though I can’t process it at the moment). But lastly, and most importantly it is in the belief in the Risen Christ – alone – that give us Hope!!!
As an aside Our Lady certainly DID know that Our Lord would Rise again on the Third Day. Our Lady of Sorrows suffered in a dual way: (1) as a mother (humanly-speaking) as the Mother of God, but also (2) as an INNOCENT perfect disciple of Christ. Regarding (2) it was Our Lady sinlessness…..(for she had neither original sin nor actual sin – EVER – on her soul) that was the CAUSE of Her awful suffering during the Passion of Our Lord; a suffering that we could/and will never understand.
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Thank you so much for this. I’ve had two miscarriages in the past 6 months and I really needed to read this.
My husband abandoned me last July. He filed for divorce last Friday. I have no hope left. I just want the pain to end, for the agony to stop…but it never does. It only grows deeper, and there is no reason for it.
Oh, Miki, I’m so sorry. I’m praying that the Lord will wrap his arms around you and show you how deeply he loves you.
Beautiful post! While I am firmly in the camp of ‘God has His reasons’ I know it takes time for people to get to that point. For me, knowing God had a plan is exactly what helped me cope when my son was horrifically burned – but not everyone suffers the same way. Knowing there was a plan was a consolation for me, mere minutes after the accident happened, and I endured the journey it took to find God’s glory through it all.
But I also spend months at the foot of Our Lord’s Cross along side Our Sorrowful Mother. Her weeping was a balm to my own aching heart and never was I closer to Our Lord and Our Lady than during those times. Great company indeed!
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love this!!