I do a lot of things that look scary on paper: traveling to Palestine and Bosnia, showing up at strangers’ houses to spend the night, sharing my brokenness with the world at large. But there is nothing that scares me more than telling teenage girls that leggings are not pants.1
Now it’s true that leggings aren’t pants. I know it’s true because godly young men have given me a round of applause when I’ve said this and others have glared at me like I canceled Christmas. I know it’s true because while women may have stopped noticing the half-clad hordes surrounding them, the men I’ve asked have not, much though they might wish they could.2
I know it’s true. And yet I’m terrified. If I tell them, they’ll hate me. They’ll get so angry and stop listening and tell everybody I’m an awful person. And so (on this as on so many topics) I keep my mouth shut to preserve their opinions of me. Or I say what needs to be said and feel miserable about it, obsessing over how people might feel about me.
I do a lot of that: having irrational emotions about other people’s opinions. I was born with a lot of feelings–big feelings–and I’ve been trying to chill out ever since.
Growing up with big feelings, you develop a lot of coping mechanisms. You learn to talk yourself down from irrational shame and self-loathing, to breathe deeply and process and occasionally to drive to the middle of nowhere, pull over, and scream and sob till you’re spent. When you’re the kind of girl who once burst into tears and stormed out of a room because a friend asked what you were making for dinner, the kind of girl whose college application essay was about what you do to calm down when you’re miserable, you spend a lot of time honing these skills.
It gets to be a habit. “It doesn’t matter that I sounded like an idiot in that comment,” you say, “because nobody there knows who I am anyway.” “It doesn’t matter because probably nobody noticed when I said that.” “It doesn’t matter because they’ve already forgotten about it.” “It doesn’t matter because if you think about it this way, I was right.”
I was proceeding through this litany a while back, using reason and logic to remind myself that probably nobody hates me and even if they do they don’t know me and I’ll never see them again, when God intervened.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “because only I matter.”
“Yes, right. And also, that guy clearly misunderstood me. And really, it doesn’t matter because everybody else—”
“It doesn’t matter because only I matter.”
“Well, yes, of course, but also it was a long day and so what if I misspoke? It doesn’t matter because she—“
“It doesn’t matter. Because only I matter.”
Now I don’t generally hear the voice of God when I pray. Some people do and that’s awesome, but I’m not one of those people. Not audibly, anyway. But there are times when I know exactly what he’s saying.
“It doesn’t matter because only I matter.”
The coping mechanisms I developed when I was an emotional adolescent wreck were terribly helpful. But I’m less emotional, less adolescent, and less of a wreck now. I’m still far more emotional than most people I know, but I’ve learned to let God use that for the good. Most of the time. And yet here I am, still trying to find peace in who I am instead of looking to who he is.
I spend so much time wondering if I’m pleasing other people. I’ve always been a people-pleaser. “Peggy the Peacemaker,” they used to call me,3 not because I wanted people to get along but because I wanted them to admire me. And now I wonder if I looked okay, if I offended anyone,4 if I was clever enough, if I was boring. I want so much to please people when all that matters is being pleasing to God.
I justify it by claiming that I have to be likable to be an effective witness, but it’s not true. I just have to be who God made me to be. It doesn’t matter what people think as long as I’m being faithful. It doesn’t matter because only God matters.
A lot of what I write here I write because I’m trying to convince myself, not because I think I’ve arrived. So when I tell you that only God matters, I’m not saying it as a saint but as a sinner who’s been convicted. I keep worrying and caring and over-analyzing, but each time it’s interrupted: only God matters. I’m trying to let being his be enough.
Love others. Serve others. Live for others. But not for their approval. That doesn’t matter. Only God matters.
And pray for me: I’ve got some people to offend.
- I’m not judging you, it’s not your fault, you didn’t know, please don’t hate me! [↩]
- One of these days I’ll give you my thoughts on modesty. Until then, Lauren said it well. [↩]
- Back in the day when I went by Peggy, which is short for Margaret, just like Meg is. And just because you didn’t know that doesn’t mean it’s not true. People are always trying to tell me Meg isn’t a nickname for Margaret and I’m all “THOMAS MORE’S DAUGHTER WAS NAMED MARGARET AND HE CALLED HER MEG AND HE’S A SAINT!!!” Because I want them to know I’m right. Because I care too much what they think about me. And now we’re back to the topic at hand. [↩]
- Which I usually have. [↩]
Thank you.
My daughters won’t hate you. They will agree with you, I promise!
In search from A to Z they passed,
And “Marguerita” chose at last;
But thought it sound far more sweet
To call the baby “Marguerite.”
When grandma saw the little pet,
She called her “darling Margaret.”
Next uncle Jack and cousin Aggie
Sent cup and spoon to “little Maggie.”
And grandpapa the right must beg
To call the lassie “bonnie Meg.”
From “Marguerita” down to “Meg,”
And now she’s simply “little Peg.”
Charlotte recently posted…Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
Cool little poem! And as a bonus, you have the nickname for Patrick right on your post, too!
Meg,
Margaret in Little Women goes by “Meg” and I think we all know that is an extremely authoritative source- so you’re good. 😉
And thanks for this post!
Loved yr post today, “MEG”.. I too, worry too much what people think, so yr words regarding what’s most important what GOD thinks & as long as we are faithful, HE truly knows what’s in our hearts! others’ opinions shldn’t matter, but that can be a toughie! So I will repeat those words daily, only God matters!
Blessings!
AWESOME post, Meg! It is beautiful and very inspiring. I will legitimately try much harder to remember that “only God matters”. Thank you so much!
You made quite an impression this weekend on Julia- again this morning she reminded me that leggings are not pants- glad you reached her early enough:)
“Only God matter”- puts alot of “stuff” in perspective – we worry about far too much and need to let that go:). Remembering that only God Matters- helps us let go:)
God made you emotional- so thats good:)
Meg,
This was truly a wonderful read. It, likewise, took me a long time to understand that I am His chosen, beautiful child and that all I have to worry about is what matters to God. Judgement comes from him only. He asks us to use discernment in what we say and do.
Many blessings to you as you proceed on your journey,
Vicki
Hi Meg,
Wonderful blog post, as usual! I’d always done the same thing–over-thinking things, over-feeling things, to the point that as an adult (well, took INTO my adulthood) it almost goes the opposite direction, as you described (they probably didn’t direct that to me, probably didn’t even notice me, won’t remember what I said, etc.) Still, over-describing things tends to happen for me, so that people “get” where I’m coming from & it won’t be misunderstood (ie won’t offend anyone.) Your take on it is SO Spirit-led: “Love others. Serve others. Live for others. But not for their approval. That doesn’t matter. Only God matters.” Thank you for that–especially those last 3 lines.
On a similar note, this quote from St. Katharine Drexel came in my morning offering email from The Catholic Company:
“It is a lesson we all need – to let alone the things that do not concern us. He has other ways for others to follow Him; all do not go by the same path. It is for each of us to learn the path by which He requires us to follow Him, and to follow Him in that path. ”
That quote struck me today, & then your blog came in my inbox & it was a double-whammy. Mostly staying off FB for Lent so I’m not keeping up w/your daily travails, but praying for your continued safe travels. We’re certainly glad you’re willing to stay with complete strangers & not find it creepy! My kids still talk about Miss Meg, and it’s all good stuff, so there you go. 🙂
I just simply loved your last paragraph so much that I translated to Spanish so I could share it with my latino friends: “Ama a los demás. Sirve a los demás. Vive para los demás. Pero no para su aprobación. Eso no importa. Sólo importa Dios”. – What a great motto to live by.
I like you! I tend to overthink about what others are thinking too. But then I don’t let it bother me, because I usually forget what I was worried about or get distracted by something else or…SQUIRREL!
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…Benjamin: The Selfie King