How to Go to Confession

Back before I gave everything away to enter the convent (one day I’ll tell y’all more about that), I used to have enough clothes that I could wear purple for all of Advent and Lent–pink during the pink weeks, of course. These days, I stick with nail polish to match the liturgical season. It’s fun in the winter, when I go from purple to pink to gold to green. But my toenails have been green for months and I’m getting pretty sick of it.

Does anybody else feel like Ordinary Time just drags on and on? The first half of the year is all exciting, and then it’s just ordinary for six months. If you’re anything like me, your spiritual life matches the excitement of my nail polish. When the vestments are changing, I’m focused and intentional, adding spiritual practices and going to penance services and whatnot. But during these green months, that intentional living fades.

For most people, I think, the biggest casualty is confession. We go in Advent, we go in Lent (when it’s every Wednesday evening in every parish if your diocese is as awesome as mine), and that’s about it. So if it’s been a couple of months (or years), here’s a refresher course on how to go to confession.¹

1. Examination of conscience. Do not just waltz into the confessional unprepared. Keep in mind that this is an encounter with the God of the universe who was beaten and crucified exactly so that you can have these three minutes in the confessional. Not something to be taken lightly.

Spend some time with a good examination of conscience. Ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten you and then reflect on everything that’s happened since your last good confession. Bear in mind that you must confess all mortal sins in kind and number–that means be as specific as possible. For something to be a mortal sin, all three of the following conditions must be met:

1. Grave matter–it’s really wrong.
2. Knowledge–you know it’s really wrong.
3. Full consent of the will–you choose to do it anyway.

Venial sins (sins that don’t meet all three conditions) should be confessed, but don’t have to be. You can also be broader in your enumeration of venial sins: “I have been selfish” as opposed to “I drop-kicked three babies.”

The distinction is that mortal sin breaks your relationship with God, while venial sin “just” damages it. Think of it this way: if we’re best friends and I walk up to you and you’re busy and walk away without saying anything, that’s not cool.  But you don’t have to beg forgiveness, just send a quick text message or go old school and actually say something.  If you jump me from behind and beat the tar out of me, though, you really have to beg. We’re talking on your knees, tears pouring down your face, handing me presents. In the same way, when we damage our relationship with God, we can ask forgiveness without going to confession; when we destroy it, we need to get down on our knees and beg–in the confessional.

As you go through your examination of conscience, you may want to write out your sins and destroy the paper afterwards. Or not. As long as you’re thorough, the method doesn’t much matter.

2. Contrition. In order for your confession to be valid, you actually have to be sorry for your sins. In fact, your confession’s invalid if you’re not sorry at some level.

Fortunately, our God is merciful beyond belief, and he’ll take whatever he can get. Ideally, you’ll have perfect contrition–sorrow for your sins out of love of God. But God will accept imperfect contrition, too–sorrow for your sins out of fear of hell. Contrition just means that at some level you regret having sinned, even if your regret itself is self-interested.

3. Resolution. The oft-overlooked third step in the process, resolution means that you resolve to try not to sin again. This doesn’t mean you won’t sin again or even that you expect to make it ten minutes without sinning again; it means that you really want to stop sinning and you’re going to try. You don’t have to succeed. God knows you’re weak—he’s not going to withhold forgiveness because you’re fallen.

Of course, this also tells us that you can’t validly confess something you have no intention of changing. Let’s say you never go to Mass on Sunday–that’s definitely grave matter, and assuming that you know it and are choosing to do it anyway, it would be a mortal sin.² If you go to confession with the intention of skipping Sunday Mass the next day, then confessing that you skip Mass wouldn’t do you any good–the sin wouldn’t be forgiven.

If you’re stuck in some sin that you know the Church condemns but that you’re not willing to give up, don’t just avoid confession! Go to confession and explain to the priest that you’re addicted to pornography (or whatever) and don’t intend to stop. Let’s hope that the Holy Spirit takes over and you get some good counsel there.

4. Confession. The moment we’ve all been waiting for…the Sacrament itself. In order to be absolved (barring extreme circumstances), you have to take your sins before a priest. You must confess all mortal sins—if you leave one out on purpose, your whole confession is invalid and you’ve added another mortal sin. If you forget one, on the other hand, it’s okay—even the one you forget is forgiven. God’s good like that.

Your confession should (God willing) look something like this:

Priest: In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Penitent: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It’s been _____ weeks/months/years since my last confession. These are my sins:
      List sins
Penitent: For these and all my sins, may God forgive me.

It’s a good idea to end your laundry list with some closing line to let the priest know that you’re done. For years I went with “And, uh, I think that’s it,” which was kind of a lie, since I knew that was it. I think some closer makes it less awkward for everybody.

Father may interrupt you to ask for clarification or motivations. Hopefully, he won’t interrupt you to start chatting. I once mentioned in confession that I had just been to the Holy Land and the priest started asking me about the political situation there. After a few minutes, I realized that he wasn’t ever going to get back to the confession part of things, so I started awkwardly inserting my sins into the conversation: “Well, I never felt unsafe, even though I’m really impatient and judgmental. But that might just be because of my pride.”

After you list your sins, you will hopefully get some advice from the priest. Even if he’s way off the mark, keep listening because he may slip your penance in there and you really need to know that. Sometimes they get sneaky, so pay attention.

Father should ask you to say an act of contrition after that. It’s good to have one memorized, but don’t worry if you don’t. Most confessionals have one on the wall inside. If all else fails, you can make something up. I once found myself going to confession in Italian. I’m pretty good at Italian, but it turns out that I don’t know works like “judgmental” or “selfish,” so the whole process of confessing was kind of like Taboo:

Me: I said…things…that were not…good…about others?
Father: Uncharitable!
Me: Yes! Uncharitable!³

When he asked me to make my act of contrition, I thought I was going to die. I mean, I know how to say “I’m sorry I bumped into you,” but I was afraid it wasn’t quite the same as “I’m sorry I nailed you to the cross.” And I didn’t want to say the Italian equivalent of “my bad,” so it came out like this:

Oh, God…I sinned…I don’t want to sin any more…help me!⁴

Very awkward. But good enough (although Father did laugh at me). In any event, go ahead and memorize one.

Then you get absolution and BAM! you’re good as new.

5. Absolution. When you hear the words “I absolve you of your sins,” you’re forgiven. In that moment, your sins are taken away, if you’re intending to do your penance. If you forget to do your penance and can’t make it up, you’re okay, but if you’re not intending to do it, it’s an invalid confession. Basically, pay attention and do it, but know that you’re forgiven right then, not when you’ve finished your ten rosaries (or the one Our Father you slid out of there with).

As a reminder, it is God who absolves you through the priest. By the merits of Christ’s Passion, God forgives your sins; the priest is just the vessel.⁵

6. Satisfaction. While your sins are forgiven by Christ’s mercy alone, independent of any works of penance you might do, God asks us to cooperate with his grace. So when you say your penance, you’re not earning your absolution, but putting forth a token of your good will and your desire to serve God. Plus, while confession takes away your eternal punishment (saving you from hell), it doesn’t remove all temporal punishment (making things right with the world your sin damaged). Your penance helps you to make reparations to the world for the evil you’ve done; whatever you haven’t made up for will be taken care of in purgatory, which I’m sure I’ll talk about in November.

Gone are the days when your penance involved a pilgrimage to the Holy Land or fasting in sackcloth and ashes. I’m lucky if I get more than my standard three Hail Marys. Since your penance is probably pretty easy, try to do it intensely, really focusing on every word. Consider that in the moment of your absolution, God snatched your soul from the jaws of hell; in return, he asked for, what, a decade of the rosary? By God’s mercy and the power of the Cross, your soul does not depend on those words. But it can’t hurt to pray them like it does.

 

If you haven’t been to confession in a long time, might I suggest a good soul cleansing? I promise you won’t regret it. If you’re a frequent confessor, maybe trying to be more intentional will help you to recognize the beauty of this Sacrament. And whether you go weekly or haven’t been in decades, take a moment to thank God for the incredible gift of Sacramental absolution and for our Church that is anything but ordinary.

1. If you still need to be convinced that you should go to confession at all, see if this post helps you. [↩]
2. I’m not judging you–this is theoretical. [↩]
3. Incaritatevole, in case you were wondering. [↩]
4. O Dio…ho peccato…non voglio peccare piu…aiutame! [↩]
5. Jn 20:21-23 [↩]