I wore a hoodie today.
I was pretty excited about it. It had been in my trunk, so it was actually my first hoodie day of the season. “I love hoodies!” I thought. “I love them so much it almost makes hoodie weather worth it!”
This is what I think about hoodies. Because wearing a hoodie has never made me a target.
I got pulled over for speeding a few months ago. When the officer approached the car, I was annoyed at myself for not hitting the brakes when the speed limit changed. I wasn’t scared. Because police officers won’t hurt me. They won’t harass me or assault me or strangle me while I beg for breath.
I don’t get followed in upscale stores. I don’t have cops called when I walk with my hands in my pockets.
I read the #iftheygunnedmedown hashtag on Twitter and think wryly that they’d probably use something sweet and wholesome like this:
And then I remember. They won’t gun me down.
Since Mike Brown and Tamir Rice and Eric Garner and a dozen other dead black1 men whose names I haven’t bothered to learn because it’s not news, my Facebook feed has been split. Some people are sharing posts left, right, and center about racism and violence and solidarity and protest.2 A few are sharing articles with titles so ignorant I know clicking them is just going to enrage me. And most of us are still talking about turkey and sales and weather and everyday life like thousands of our brothers and sisters aren’t angry and desperate and running for their lives.
I’m in that third group. People are being killed and I can’t even manage to be a slacktivist. Because I don’t know what to say. I’ve wrestled with this in adoration every day for the past week and a half. I don’t know how to say I’m so sorry and I wish I could suffer this for you. I’m so sorry for the ways I’ve done this to you and I didn’t even know it. I’m so sorry I’m afraid to pick a side without feeling like I know everything I need to know to defend it.
I’m on the side of lives. Black, brown, white, old, gay, disabled–all lives. But right now I am particularly and vocally on the side of black lives. Because that’s where the attack is. I know white people are killed by cops,3 too–but young black men are 21 times more likely to be. THAT IS NOT OKAY! And your misdirect about looting or your blatantly racist claim that black people are criminals doesn’t fix it.
I don’t know what fixes it. I like to rant about injustice and suffering and then tie everything up with a sweet Jesus bow because he makes everything all right. And he does. But today, I just need to say this, to my largely white audience: this should upset you. Your black brothers and sisters are being judged and jailed and killed while their white counterparts get a slap on the wrist.4
Don’t deny it. Don’t defend it. Just listen. Read the articles that make you uncomfortable. Stop reading The Conservative Tribune. Move past the specifics of the one homicide you know about and look at the underlying problem. Because whatever you think happened with Michael Brown, you can’t deny that something’s wrong with our country. And burying yourself in Duggar pregnancy announcements and Dancing with the Stars won’t make it go away. Pray. Pray for the victims, the families, the killers, the innocent officers, the bigots, the oppressed, the lawmakers, the nation. Pray for yourself–for mercy and for justice and for eyes to see.
I hate that I can’t do anything about this. But at least that feeling of desperate futility gives me something I can share with people of color in this country. I guess I’ll be grateful for that. And wrap myself in my hoodie while I pray and love and listen and try to be better.
- I’m leaving both black and white uncapitalized. This is basically why. [↩]
- Thank you! [↩]
- And I know that most cops are good. And I understand they’re just trying to stay alive. But there’s a lot of cops killing unarmed black people without so much as a slap on the wrist. The problem isn’t cops–the problem’s the culture they (and we) come out of. [↩]
- Really. Check out #crimingwhilewhite. [↩]
One of my biggest reactions to the Michael Brown and Eric Garner and Tamir Rice is “I don’t know.” I haven’t read every autopsy report or grand jury testimony. I wasn’t there. I’m not omniscient. I’m unwilling to rail against Darren Wilson as an individual for the same reason I’m unwilling to viral-share posts from “The Conservative Tribune” because I just don’t know enough about every individual circumstance and I’m not going to paint myself as an expert.
What do I know? Much of what you said. That black lives (like all lives) matter. That black men (especially young men) are dying of tragic violence and that I wish I could snap my fingers and change that. That I wish it was different and pray that it will be.
What else do I know? That we have a criminal justice system. It’s not perfect. It’s not infallible. It does have serious, systemic problems relating to race that unfortunately mirror many other problems (poverty, fatherlessness, poor schools) relating to race (my go to example of these problems is the difference in penalties between crack and powder cocaine). But it is miles better than Twitter-indicting someone. Twitter-indictments can never be just. We as a society have agreed to bring charges against people through a public prosecutor and grand juries, and we cannot change that format just because something became a headline – no matter how unjust it seems, it is also unjust to change the method of determining guilt because of public pressure. Want a different justice system (maybe inquisitorial, like the UK’s)? Great, protest for that. Want to address underlying disparities in our justice system? Great, protest for that. Want to change the powers and duties of police officers? Great, protest for that.
I don’t know what happened in all of these cases. My gut reaction in Michael Brown is to say that the grand jury made the right decision. My gut reaction in Eric Garner is to say that the grand jury made a mistake. My gut reaction in Tamir Rice is to beg God for an answer as to why his guardian angel couldn’t stop him from bringing a toy gun to a park where children would be, because his case is especially heartbreaking.
Overall, I feel as though I’ve lost trust. Lost trust in police officers. Lost trust in peaceful protesters. Lost even more (of what little I had left) trust in the media because everyone had an agenda – either voraciously denying racism or viciously accusing every police officer of racism – and very few facts were reported.
Claire Rebecca recently posted…Don’t Let the Catholics Drive You Out
Wow, Meg, thank you. This is the Catholic response I’ve been looking for. I’ve been shattered and grieving and devastated by the news–and it’s not my children’s lives the world so obviously fears and devalues. We can do something though. You have a platform and you spoke without fear. I’ve got a similar newsfeed to yours — lots of redirects about rioting, a couple empty calls for peace, and a lot, a lot of silence. This is who we are. God help us, and I mean that literally, not in despair: God, please help us see our sin, see our complicity and fear.
There are absolutely underlying race problems in this country (along with a severe deficit of charity among all of us), but using controversial cases to address it can’t be the solution because it’s naturally presumptuous. We will argue emotionally until we are blue in the face and nothing changes.
Did you know I almost lost my life when I was 20 years old? Three guys broke into the Marie Callenders I was closing up and shoved a sawed off shot gun in my mouth and told me to open the safe. I did not know the combination, the boss left it open for me to put the money in I counted because he had to go home to celebrate his anniversary with his wife. They beat me on my head with a crow bar for 45 minutes too. Said they would kill me over 50 times. I was living a life of ill repute at the time but cried out to God there. I said an Act of Contrition. They told me I had one last chance to open the safe before they killed me. After the contrition, I walked over to the safe, spun the dial and it opened. I never had any bias against black people as I played basketball and all my teammates were black through college. These black guys – three of them with masks on and gloves, were just bad people. I blame the breakup of the family on the statistics and the break up of the family has a root cause – contraception. Humana Vitae said it all… We live in tough times.
Thank you for writing about this very important topic. May we realize that American society still has a long way to go in regard to justice for all, love all as we would Christ, and PRAY pray pray.
With all due respect Meg, blacks have a much higher crime rate than whites as 70-75% of crime take place in black neighborhoods. It has to do with family and education which seems to be broken in black neighborhoods. For fair and balanced news, watch Fox News cable channel! :).
Thanks for sharing the post. Keep up the good work . I really like the article
Really informative blog. This is probably one of the best information I have been got form the internet. Thanks a lot for sharing a good content.
Informative! really loved your blog. Much to learn from it. Thanks for sharing.