Since we all know the Bible is, well, out of date,1 I thought you’d appreciate a more modern and relevant reading of the old wedding standard. I don’t know about you, but all that talk of selfless, patient, trusting love makes me a little nervous. Wouldn’t it be better if we updated it so that it talked more about romance and being in love instead of all that nasty suffering and virtue we always have to hear about? Try it this way:
If I speak in human and angelic tongues
but am not in love,
I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains,
but am not in love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own,
and if I hand my body over so that I may boast
but am not in love, I gain nothing.
Isn’t that a nice start? Just a little shift so that we know that really, it’s romance that makes life worth living. And just in time for Valentine’s Day, too!
Love is tolerant, love is nice.
It is not demanding. Love is not needy,
it is not hard, it is not dull,
it does not outlast romance,
it is not faithful, it does not forgive when wronged,
it does not challenge or correct
but lets the beloved be comfortable.
Love improves all things, tolerates many things,
ignores some things, endures nothing.
See what I did there? This passage gets read so often at weddings, but I don’t think modern Americans want to be thinking about jealousy and rudeness and wrongdoing at a wedding! Isn’t it better to take all that messy stuff out and put in those nice sentiments about how we’re all just going to feel good forever now that we’re in love? Let’s not get all bogged down by the old notion that love is challenging or, God help us, that it’s not an end in itself. A path to holiness? No, no, holiness is hard and if love gets hard, well it just isn’t love anymore, is it?
Love feels good.
If there are major differences, they will be brought to nothing;
if fertility, it will cease;
if unchastity, it will be brought to nothing.
For we love partially and we are loved partially,
but when the wedding comes, the partial will pass away.
So forget your mother’s objections! Don’t listen to the studies that tell you that cohabitation will mess up your marriage! Who cares if you can’t trust your fiancé? Marriage will fix all this! Just walk down the aisle in a dress worth more than your grandparents’ first home, say the magic words, and you, too, can live happily ever after!2
Then there’s some funny stuff about kids and mirrors, which is stupid because weddings aren’t about kids unless you mean the flower girl, and hopefully her mother took her out of the church the minute she walked down the aisle because she sure as heck better not be messing up your perfect day. And mirrors–well, weddings are definitely about mirrors, but no need to call anyone’s attention to the fact that you spent more energy on your makeup than you did on your pre-nup. Hey, at least you got a pre-nup, right? Of course you did–you’re not stupid.
At present I love fully;
then I shall love less, if I am less loved.
So success, money, love remain, these three;
but the nicest of these is love.
Remember, friends, love is a feeling. Now go out there and find someone to make you feel good! Then enjoy it as long as it’s nice and easy. Don’t worry what anybody else thinks about your partner or your behavior–this is just about you two (or three–no judgment here). Make sure you have a good friend to complain about your partner to, somebody who’ll take your side and bash him right along with you. But never actually communicate about your frustrations. That wouldn’t be fun or pleasant and love is all about pleasure, isn’t it? Guilt-free, consequence-free, self-gratification. So go grab yourself a mate or you’ll be alone and empty–but don’t actually *mate* unless you’re financially comfortable and emotionally stable and you actually want kids. (And really, who wants kids? Except as an accessory, I suppose.) Then stick around as long as you’re having a good time. That’s all anyone can ask of you.
- Before anyone gets mad, let me make it very clear that this entire post is completely sarcastic. And, lest you be offended, I assure you that I’m not making fun of you. Unless you’re completely shallow and secular and saccharine and over-sexed. In which case, hi! Welcome to my blog! Please read absolutely everything on here. [↩]
- Unless things get too hard and then you can start over. [↩]