Trusting God in the Little Things

I was planning a much better-developed post on this topic, but God kind of forced my hand.

I’ve been praying recently about the fact that I do crazy, radical things because I trust God. I consent to perpetual celibacy, I quit my job and live out of my car–you know, pretty much the usual for a successful, educated woman pushing thirty. And yet I’m super anxious and obsessive about stupid, unimportant matters: whether I might run out of gas before the next rest stop because I didn’t feel like stopping at the last one even though the light was already on; whether I’ll be able to find a parking spot downtown in time to make it to Mass early enough for it to count as Mass; whether the check that’s been following me around America will finally catch up with me in time to cover my bills.¹

This is ridiculous! Why do I trust God with the salvation of the entire world but I don’t trust him with my calluses? Why am I willing to offer him hours in prayer every day but I just can’t give him the two minutes left in my holy hour because what if my host is waiting for me?

Seriously, it just feels pathetic, largely because it’s so irrational. I trust God with the creation, care, and salvation of every human soul, with the design of the genome, with the tiny little flashes of inspiration that lead to a life of faith. I trust him with my whole life–just none of the details of it.

So today in adoration, I made a list of things I trust God with:

1. The happiness and salvation of everyone in the world.
2. My vocation.
3. My soul.
4. My career.
5. My heart.
6. My life and health.
7. My homelessness.²

That’s pretty BA, huh? I’m, like, practically a saint.

So then I made a list of the things I don’t trust God with:

1. My car. (It might break down.)
2. Traffic. (I might be late.)
3. Other people’s opinion of me. (I care more than anybody ever should.)
4. My success. (What if I never get any jobs?)
5. Anything involving paperwork. (That stuff stresses me out!)
6. My stuff. (I don’t have much, so if I mess it up, I’ll have to replace it and that’s really frustrating.)
7. A place to stay. (I trust God to provide in general, but what if I can’t find someone to put me up next Thursday?)

And, like a good little Christian, I asked God to teach me to trust him. I told him I wanted him to be Lord over the details in my life, not just the big picture. I prayed to delight in his will³ and offered every moment of this day for the glory of his name and the salvation of souls.

And then I went to my friend’s mechanic because my brakes had suddenly started feeling squishy. Quick patch on the brake line, I thought, and we’re good to go.

Nope. $800 fix. Oh, and the part won’t be here till Thursday, so I have to stay in Mobile till then because my brakes will almost certainly go out completely if I do any more driving on them.⁴

I’m supposed to be at Ave Maria in Florida on Monday.

So, for those of you keeping track at home, that’s an expensive car repair (#1 and #6) that makes me miss speaking engagements (#4) and strands me at someone’s house (#3–what if they think I’m a burden? They absolutely don’t and I know that and they’re wonderful but what if??). Oh, and if I skip Ave, I don’t know where I’ll go before Indiana on the 23rd (#7).

So here’s all the wisdom I can muster on the cross I was handed on the Feast of the Triumph of the Cross:

• Don’t pray it if you don’t mean it.
• Somehow, this will be exactly right.⁵

If I figure out this side of heaven what the silver lining to this is, I’ll let you know. Until then, I’ll enjoy an extended visit with dear friends and wonder why Megabus doesn’t go from Alabama to Florida. Feel free to throw some prayers my way, for miracles, resignation, or both.

1. Notice that these are all travel-related. Because that’s pretty much all I do. [↩]
2. You know, that he’ll take care of me even though I’m living out of my car and don’t have a real home. [↩]
3. Ps 40:9 [↩]
4. It’s the brake master cylinder–apparently that’s important. And I think it’s all legit because it was a Firestone, so he’s got no real incentive to mess with me, especially since he spent 45 minutes on the phone trying to get the part quicker. He managed to get a promise of “Monday or Tuesday.” I’m not optimistic. [↩]
5. Rom 8:28 [↩]

Author: Meg

I'm a Catholic, madly in love with the Lord, His Word, His Bride the Church, and especially His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Eucharist. I'm committed to the Church not because I was raised this way but because the Lord has drawn my heart and convicted my reason. After 2 degrees in theology and 5 years in the classroom, I quit my 9-5 to follow Christ more literally. Since May of 2012, I've been a hobo for Christ; I live out of my car and travel the country speaking to youth and adults, giving retreats, blogging, and trying to rock the world for Jesus. View all posts by Meg